


Conference Call

by Januarium



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Aftercare, Comeplay, Dialogue-Only, Dirty Talk, Dom David Rose, Dom/sub, Drunk Patrick Brewer, Facials, Lace Panties, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Patrick Brewer is Thirsty, Patrick Brewer is a Cockslut, Phone Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Sexting, Slut Shaming, Sub Patrick Brewer, Threesome fantasy, brief gang bang fantasy, fantasy sharing, general degrading language that Patrick is extremely into, maybe the filthiest thing I've written?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:46:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29046354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Januarium/pseuds/Januarium
Summary: David:So what are you looking for from me tonight?Patrick:Want you to come on my face and call me a slutDavid:I don’t think I can come on your face from all the way over here, but of course you’re such a slut you’re trying to find a way to get it any wayPatrick:I thought about it but coming on my own face is gross and seems like a lot of workDavid:Are there no hot guys at the conference? What if you found the hottest one and then you put me on speaker phone and I tell him what to do to you?David:Patrick?ring ring... ring ring...“Fuck, Patrick was that too much? I know you like the fantasy normally, but—““Shut up, David. I mean, don’t shut up I love you, but shh it’s all good, that was just so hot I dropped my phone off the bed and then when I picked it up I realised I needed to hear you.”“Yeah, you think that’s hot? Me telling some sexy guy how to fuck you?”“Fuck, yes, please, tell me about it.”
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 41
Kudos: 177





	Conference Call

**Author's Note:**

  * For [schittyfic (sixtysevenlmpala)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sixtysevenlmpala/gifts).



> Happy birthday dear schittyfic!!! I tried to work as many of your jams into this as possible. Is it any surprise it's really fucking filthy? So glad to be able to call you a friend!

**iMessage:** David 🌹💍💞  
  
**Patrick:** Daviiiiiiid   
  
**Patrick:** You are my husband and you are so pretty it is not fair that I’m not kisssing you?? Explain???  
  
**David:** Well honey apparently this conference is “essential to having a full understanding of the ever-developing world of retail management” and you couldn’t leave early because “networking is an essential tool in maintaining and growing our business”  
  
**David:** I’m gonna guess you’ve done a lot of… networking  
  
**Patrick:** I did so much I talked to so many people and I am tell you about it tomorrow but David please  
  
**David:** David please what?  
  
**Patrick:** I miss you and I was going to jerk off and then I missed you more because my dick doesn’t like me as much as it likes you   
  
**David:** Is that right?  
  
**Patrick:** All of my body likes you best. I touch myself and I think of you and it feels so good but my body knows it could feel better  
  
**Patrick:** My nipples ache for you   
  
**Patrick:** My lips long for you  
  
**Patrick:** My ass craves you filling me up  
  
**David:** What the fuck you aren’t supposed to be so fucking poetic when you’re drunk  
  
**Patrick:** Tjis is what you do to me, make me wanna write fucking sonnets about that patch of skin on your hip I live to bite  
  
**Patrick:** I mean love but I live it to  
  
**Patrick:** Too  
  
**David:** That is very sweet typos and all  
  
**David:** So what are you looking for from me tonight?  
  
**Patrick:** Want you to come on my face and call me a slut  
  
**David:** I don’t think I can come on your face from all the way over here, but of course you’re such a slut you’re trying to find a way to get it any way  
  
**Patrick:** I thought about it but coming on my own face is gross and seems like a lot of work   
  
**David:** Are there no hot guys at the conference? What if you found the hottest one and then you put me on speaker phone and I tell him what to do to you?  
  
**David:** Patrick?  
  


_ring ring... ring ring..._

“Fuck, Patrick was that too much? I know you like the fantasy normally, but—“

“Shut up, David. I mean, don’t shut up I love you, but shh it’s all good, that was just so hot I dropped my phone off the bed and then when I picked it up I realised I needed to hear you.”

“Yeah, you think that’s hot? Me telling some sexy guy how to fuck you?”

“Fuck, yes, please, tell me about it.”

“Mm, first I need you to tell me if there’s any guy in particular that you’re thinking of.”

“David...”

“None? Not even that guy who presented that seminar on ‘showing your quarterly returns who’s the boss’?”

“What? How did you even know about him?”

“So, I _maybe_ missed you earlier when you were busy schmoozing and I might have googled the conference? And there were lots of pictures? That guy seemed like your type.”

“David, did—did you look up the list of speakers for the conference just so you can think about one of them fucking me?”

“I mean, I wasn’t committed to just imagining _one._ ”

“I love you so fucking much.”

“Mmm, well I love how much you swear when you’re drunk and horny.”

“I’m not as drunk as I was when I first texted you.”

“That’ll be the adrenaline from the horniness talking.”

“Is that a problem for you, me being so fucking horny for you I can’t go a day without you?”

“It’s annoying to be married to such a desperate slut. That’s why I went looking for a different cock for you to suck when you didn’t have mine. I bet you’ve thought about it all day, bet you imagined going up on the stage and having every man there line up to come down your throat.”

“Fuck—fuck, David, _please._ ”

“You’re such a fucking show-off, want everyone to see what a good little slut you can be.”

“Yes, David. Want them to see how good you taught me to suck cock.”

“Hm, well I don’t think you deserve that much cock. I think you barely deserve one, but that guy was _very_ hot, so maybe I’ll let you have it.”

“Yeah? Tell me about it. Tell me what you’d have him do to me.”

“You’re so fucking greedy, making me do all the work here. Find the guy, talk to you, make you come. What’re you going to do for me, huh?”

“Anything. Anything you want, please.”

“Are you naked?”

“Not yet. Wearing those fancy lacy panties you bought me for our anniversary.”

“Oh, your cock looks so pretty in those. Were you imagining looking pretty for someone?”

“I, uh—actually, I just put them on because it feels like having you close.”

“Patrick. You can’t say shit like that when I’m not there to hold you.”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t sound sorry.”

“I like knowing you want to hold me

“I always wanna hold you, you know that

“I do.”

“Unf, you what it does to me when you say those words.”

“I do.”

“Ugh, you’re such a dick. Does being all gooey mean you wanna drop the whole remote threesome fantasy and just say how much we love each other while we jerk off?”

“Uh, that—I mean, that _does_ sound nice...”

“But you’d rather I call you a pathetic little slut, desperate to get your holes filled any way you can?”

“... Yeah. I mean, if you’re into it. God, I just kind of dropped you into getting me off; I can just jerk off alone like a normal person if you want.”

“Okay, shush, you’re doing that thing where you start over-compensating with responsibility as you sober up. You don’t need to do anything except exactly what I say, okay, honey?”

“Okay, David.”

“That’s right. I’m going to start. You can touch your cock, but no coming until I tell you to. You’re kneeling on the floor of the hotel room. You’ve left the door on the latch so anyone could come in and see you there, kneeling all alone with your dick hard in your pretty underwear.”

“Yeah, I’m kneeling. I’m waiting. I put you on speakerphone.”

“I like that, knowing that people in the room next to you might be listening. Maybe they’ll hear about what a massive slut you are and decide to come on in to try you out.”

“Oh fuck, yes.”

“Maybe that guy is the one next door and he’ll come in and see how fucking hot you are. He’s gonna lock the door behind him because he doesn’t want you getting distracted by any other dicks coming in. You’re so fucking hot he wants you all to himself, but he knows you’d get distracted by any other cock that walked through that door.”

“David, fuck, please.”

“Yeah, he’d come in and you’d be so desperate you’d want to dive right for his cock, but you keep quiet and point to the phone so he knows I’m in charge. I tell him to get his cock out and stroke it, get it nice and hard. You aren’t allowed move, even though feeling a cock get hard in your mouth is your favourite, isn’t it?”

“Fuck, yeah, love it so much, _please._ I want it.”

“But I’m not going to let you have it. You’re so desperate to taste that cock you’re drooling, but I’m making you wait for it. Once he’s nice and hard I let him move closer; he’s so close you can _smell_ him, how much you turn him on, but you have wait until I tell you.”

“Please, David. Please, I just wanna suck it, it’s all I want, please.”

“Love hearing you beg for cock. You’re allowed to lick it, taste how he’s dripping for you, get him nice and wet. You’re so hungry for it, but you aren’t allowed suck yet. Even though I can’t even see you, even though you want it in your mouth so fucking bad you feel like you’ll die without it, you’re being good for me.”

“I love being good for you, David. Please, can I suck it? I want to suck it for you.”

“Don’t lie, you little slut. You want to suck it for _you,_ want to suck it because you love cock so much you’ll do anything for it.”

“Yeah, I’m just a filthy cockslut, please let me have it. I’m being so good.”

“You’re being so good for me, my perfect little cockslut. You can suck him now, want you to show him how lucky I am to have you.”

“Fuck, yes, thank you thank you thank you.”

“Mmm that’s good. I’m listening to the sounds of you choking on his cock, so desperate to get stuffed you don’t even know remember you need _breath._ He’s talking to me about you. Doesn’t even acknowledge you’re a person, just thanking _me_ for lending him such a nice hole to stick his dick in.”

“Fuck, David, can I come? I need to come.”

“Why would I let you do that? He’s fucking your face now and you’re such a fucking mess, drooling and crying all over him. You’re getting off so hard, still in those panties I bought you because you know you’re _mine._ ”

“I’m all yours, David; I’m your slut, you look after me so well.”

“Yeah, I do, let you have all the cock you want, even when you’re greedy. You want him to come on your face? Want this strangers come all over you so anyone can see what a messy little slut you are. Kneeling on the floor, covered in spunk, in nothing but your pretty panties you’re making such a mess of?”

“Please, _please,_ David. Want it so much, want you to tell him to come on my face, make me messy.”

“As if your face isn’t already a mess, covered in spit and snot and tears, bet you want him to come on you to cover all that up, hide how fucking desperate you are with a cock in your mouth.”

“ _David!_ ”

“Yeah, he’s gonna come all over your slutty face, look so gorgeous with it dripping from those pretty eyelashes.”

“Yes, fuck, thank you.”

“Yeah, he’s going to thank me, too. He’s going to look at you, all marked up with his come, and feel so fucking jealous I have such a beautiful slut. He’s not even going to talk to you, just thank me and leave. He won’t even put the latch back on the door, because he doesn’t want anyone else to know how fucking hot you are. Wants to keep that to himself because he wishes you could belong to him”

“Oh, fuck, David—David, I’m yours, I’m all yours.”

“Yeah, even when you’re so fucking filthy from another man’s cock, you’re still all mine.”

“Yes— _yes,_ David, I’m only yours.”

“You can come now, but you aren’t allowed get any of it on those panties, even though I know you’ve leaked so much you might as well have come in them already. Come for me, Patrick.”

“Yes— _David—DAVID!_ ”

“Mm, that’s so good sweetheart, you’re so good for me.”

“I need you to come, please, I need to hear you come.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna fucking come, gonna come thinking about what a beautiful, perfect slut my husband is.”

“Yes, please, _please,_ David!”

“Pa _trick!_ ”

“Mm, god I love listening to you come.”

“You love listening to me anything.”

“Um, no I’m pretty sure I only _tolerate_ your instance on narrating Instagram influencer drama to me.”

“Okay, but you’re the one who found that one hour video explaining what the fuck was going on with that whole personalised vitamin saga.”

“… Okay, you might have a point on that one.”

“Of course I do.”

“Ugh, I’m all covered in come and I’m sober enough to know how hungover I’ll be tomorrow.”

“Aww, poor baby.”

“You’re so mean.”

“Rude… but, um, was that good?”

“Good? David that was fucking spectacular.”

“Oh?”

“I know you’re fishing for compliments, but I’ll allow it because you just made me come my brains out. That was amazing, thank you. I have the sexiest husband ever.”

“You sure? You aren’t going to go find that guy and try him out?”

“David. I don’t wanna try any guy out without you there and you over the phone wouldn’t be enough for me.”

“Okay.”

“Besides, I’m so dehydrated now if I tried to suck a cock it’d be like sandpaper.”

“Patrick! You need to drink lots of water, _now._ ”

“Yeah, I will, I just have to remember how moving works.”

“You didn’t bring a glass of water to bed with you? Wow, you must have been _really_ desperate.”

“What can I say? I was thinking about my business partner and he’s _very_ inspirational.”

“Is that so? I’ll have to meet him some time.”

“Yeah, he’s really hot, you definitely should… _oh._ ”

“Are you imagining me fucking myself? Patrick, you _just_ came!”

“You’re very sexy and I’m still kind of tipsy. And—hey, it’s mean to laugh at me.”

“Not when you’re—not when you’re laughing, too!”

“Okay, okay, I’m not laughing, I’m going to get water and clean up.”

“Good, you do that. You should eat something, too, do you have any snacks?”

“I’ll grab something from the minibar.”

“God, there’s a _minibar!_ My jealousy knows no bounds.”

“You could have come to this conference instead.”

“Mm, how about no. No minibar is worth listening to ‘the future of stock projection’.”

“I can’t believe you actually looked at the conference schedule.”

“I was bored and I missed you and Stevie left early for a bootie call.”

“David. Stevie’s been dating Twyla for a year; I don’t think going to home to sleep beside her girlfriend counts as a bootie call.”

“Ugh, you didn’t see her face, though. That was her ‘I’m gonna get laid’ face. Have you drunk enough water?”

“I’ve drunk like 4 tiny-hotel-glasses worth of water and I’m going to put two on the bedside table.”

“You should drink another one first.”

“Okay, David.”

“You all cleaned up?”

“Close enough. I’ll shower in the morning.”

“Mm, me too. Gonna sleep better than I thought I would without you here, after that.”

“Me, too. Ooh, they have crunchies.”

“Okay, but that’s gonna get stuck in your teeth and be annoying.”

“I’m gonna brush my teeth after.”

“Mmm, love how responsible you are, even when you’re tipsy and come-dumb.”

“Well, you make me want to look after myself.”

“Shhhh don’t be sweet, it’s gross and makes me want to kiss you.”

“You sound tired, you should sleep.”

“But I gotta look after you.”

“You have, David. I’m good. Had lots of water and a snack and now I’m gonna brush my teeth and hug a pillow and pretend it’s you so I can sleep, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”


End file.
